Tears of Pain, Tears of Joy

It occurs to me, as with every funeral I attend, how fragile we are. How life has an end just as any book. And that with any tear of sorrow and pain comes a tear of joy.

Just yesterday I was attending the funeral of my partner’s father and as I sit at my desk this morning I am tearing up with joy.

Within a twenty-four hour period I am lifted up. God is good. The universe is good. Life is in order. Everything is a balance act and I find that the longer I live, in life, with my illness, as a writer, as a daughter or partner or any of the above, the more I realize this truth. It’s ying-yang, balance, tears of joy, tears of pain and always reciprocation.

Thankfully, there is not one without the other. I have gone for long periods of time, after grief and job loss, where there was no happiness. There were no smiles or tears of joy. Prolonged depression, severe catatonic like depression, does not dissipate quickly. Balance is not restored fast through medication switches and hospital stays that last a week. Still, eventually after enough treatments, perhaps ECT, hospital stays, medication changes, outpatient even, after enough time and effort and proper medical intervention, balance is attainable once again.

It’s not a life lesson, it’s a fact. I’m happy to have tears of joy this morning. I’m thrilled that in five hours I will give all the money I have and be a first time homebuyer. I will co-own a tiny, 900 square foot home in the town I grew up in. It’s not a lot larger than my apartment, but it’s a home, in a nice town, with a yard and a basement and an attic. I can plant flowers like I have done with my father since I was a child. I can mow the yard and curse at the imperfections of it all. (Life is progress, not perfection! So am I….)

I can buy bulk. This sounds silly but so true. When you have no storage space, you can’t do this. I can do laundry in my own home!!!! I no longer have to haul my laundry down flights of stairs to the laundromat and deal with change or laundry cards. HALLELUJAH!!!!!! This could be one of THE biggest perks of all!

No cranky landlords or rules or neighbors upstairs clonking around at all hours of the night and day. I swear they are wearing wooden Dutch shoes. Really, do they get them when they sign their leases? No drug dealers (don’t get me started)! We will have a dining room that can remain a dining room and an OFFICE. An office with a door.

All of this may sound shallow in light of my partner’s father’s passing. I realize this. And it’s true. Anything compared to life seems meaningless.

But with tears of sorrow, come tears of joy. For that I am grateful. For life comes death, that is inevitable. With sickness comes restored health in passing. That is a blessing too. Funerals cause me to reflect on my own mortality and how I was so close to my own death. My partner’s father was in so much pain, he had a host of health problems. My depression was not fleeting, it stayed for two years, but it did pass. I’m so grateful it did pass and I’m alive to receive life’s blessings today.

Signing off to do laundry (one last time in a laundromat) and take the rest of our savings out to close this afternoon.

Next post, I’ll have keys to my first house. At 43, wow, it took me awhile but better late than never, right?

It’s a good day, no strike that. It’s a PHENOMINAL day! May you have one too.

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