Not feeling it today

Just not in a good way today. I was supposed to fight a parking ticket from a day at the beach, and overslept. Woops. I called to pay it over the phone and they’re gone for the week. Now I have to wait until Monday and will be paranoid all weekend when driving by the police. I know, little ole me, missing court to protest a ticket. But, fact of the matter is I missed court. Even if it was to fight a ticket, I’ve heard them say “bench warrant.”  Nora says “don’t worry, we’ll pay it on Monday.”  Naturally, I’m the one who does worry and will have twinges of paranoia all weekend. Greeeeat. Oh and pay online you think. Yes, that would’ve been done today had we not lost the ticket. I should say we, and would, however these things sit on nora’s desk; yes, in this instance I will blame her. Next time, I’ll hold on to it myself. 

And just like that, I threw her under the bus. (She doesn’t read my blog. In fact, since I’m not feeling anything positive today, let me just say, thank you new followers. Thank you, I love you. But other than you and Dyane and Kitt, I really have just a handful. I should be positive, but I’m used to talking to the air. THEN i think, why do I do this at all.)


Yes: warning. I am deviating from my positive self today. If you wanna be brought down, keep reading. If not, juuuust keeeep mooooving. And have yourself a great day for me okay?


So, last night I couldn’t sleep. I was up watching one of my staples, my favorites, Law and Order. Funny, i used to make fun of my dad watching them. That familiar “Dum Dum” in the beginning was a running joke amongst me and my mom when I was suicidal and living (once again) at their house for a few years. It drove me up a wall.  Now here I am a big fat manifestation of my dad. Besides Law and Order I have also become obsessed with growing grass in the backyard, trimming bushes and growing flowers. I am in charge of the lawn, and Nora, the mini garden (veggies, basil, etc.) that we have in planters because this first year of homeownership is not the year we’re doing a full on garden.

Anyhoo, please don’t mind my digression. I’m actually delaying my other downer and hoping I haven’t lost you yet. Maybe I did at Law and Order. HA!

So my other bad news this morning is the first royalty statement we got from the publisher. UGGGGH. So much for a camping trip. Dreams of a cruise are loooong gone. Sucks. We broke our back to get it done within a very short time (3 months…kind of unheard of actually). We did a lot of pre-release press. And we haven’t stopped through a radio tour they paid for and magazine press we rallied. It’s like the whole thing clunked. And it’s a good book we poured our heart and soul into. I wouldn’t care if it were a heartless piece of work that was substandard. But it’s not! I truly believe in it. I wrote it off and on for a year. Then we put it together and researched for 10-15 hours a day in 5 months, 3 being the 14-15 hour days. We got all the endorsements ourselves and did the majority of editiing ourselves (though they did hire an editor, not many changes were made.)


It just goes to show you it all falls on the public. You could have a publisher or be self-published. You can accomplish virtually all the same goals, but it’s the public buying the book. My first book is selling better than this one.

I’m rather depressed. I know sales will rise, that’s generally what happens with bipolar books, as long as they’re worthy of it, but I cannot tell you how off I was. I wasn’t asking for the moon.

Now I sound like a whiner and I’m really disgusting myself.

I loathe the sounds of my words and tapping of my keys.

When have i been this down?  

And over money?

I don’t think it’s the money, I think it’s what it stands for.

Hell, I’ve gone through months, with my first book, where it made the same amount, or less. Far less. But still, it’s a blow. Not so much to the ego, for I can assure you, I am less an egomaniac than one who lacks confidence.  

What to do?  Hmmm, nothing much but dig in, make more book signings and then I can truly say I did evreything I could.  Right now there are three things in mind that I’ve been chasing through emails that haven’t happened yet.  But other than that I’m truly baffled. It was nearly always in the top 100.

Hmmm…. time to go work on the yard and listen to music.

After that, dig in to next book. I have 104 pages written and maybe another 40-60 pages to type in. (Too hard to tell, it’s a messy pile!)

Thanks for getting to the end. You rock. Thanks for letting me vent. Perhaps I feel better already. The gift of writing, er ah perhaps it’s really called dumping yer shit at times like these.  To friends like you. And I haven’t met a single one of you, yet no one knows me better. Thank you for that. A giant hug of thanks. Go out and have a kick ass day. I’m going to try and turn it around. After all, careers have peaks and valleys. I’ve sure had mine even over the course of my first book.

I’m like a cockroach, it’s hard to kill me. Just try.


The Very Inspiring Blogger Award from Blogger: Kitt O’Malley



Thank you, Kitt!

Kitt has so kindly nominated me for this inspirational blogger award and I’m left to wonder what i did to deserve it!

I am honored. The Very Inspiring Blogger Award is new to me and Kitt has an awesome blog herself. Go check it out, Kitt O’Malley’s Living with Bipolar Disorder: Loved by God

I love crossing paths with her on a fellow friend’s blog: Dyane’s Birth of a New Brain. Admittedly, I don’t get to follow many due to time constraints.

After reading Kitt’s 7 facts, I realize we have things in common. We both had our breakdowns at age 30. (I was 33, but close enough!)  Also we never went back to that line of work we were doing at the time. And that’s more than fine, it’s quite common actually. I believe we never lose those skills. 

So we have more in common than blogging and reading and commenting AND having this nasty illness. 

Again, thank you.I am thrilled and very, very honored.

But here’s the embarassing part. When I saw the rules below I thought, uh-oh. I don’t know 15 bloggers to nominate that weren’t already! I’m screwed! Only one person comes to mind who isn’t on this list and I can’t find her. Grr…

The rules in accepting this award are:

*Thank and link the amazing person who nominated you.
*List these rules and display the award.
*Share seven facts about yourself.
*Nominate 15 other amazing blogs and comment on their posts to let them know they have been nominated.
*Optional: Proudly display the award logo on your blog and follow the blogger who nominated you. (why not?)

Okay, facts…

1. I live in NJ though I have “fled” several times; namely to VA for college, London for one semester and MD for a position that led me to travel around the country. (I assure you, business travel is a lot less glamorous than it sounds.)

2. I have 2 cats: Leo and Rita. Rita was given to us with that name. The woman fostering her liked the show Dexter.

3. Rita was found in a dumpster in Spanish Harlem and I got her from a girl I waitressed with in NJ. (Long story: her sister lives in Brooklyn and works for the rescue that found them.) Sometimes I call her senorita. haha. Leo was also a stray and he thinks he’s the mayor in town. Before we moved, he crawled into bed with our old maintence man (who had cats and liked him). Just waltzed right in like it was his home. Now, we shudder thinking ‘when will he discover cat doors’ and where in this town will he go? Hopefully to my parents’ house, if anywhere!

4. no more cat facts…I promise. I found my desk by the side of the road. Times are hard as a struggling writer, no room in the budget for Pottery Barn! i had thrown out my old, particle board one and longed for real wood. I think the water stains are easily 4 decades old. Even after sanding, restaining and 2 coats of poly, there they are; some hard working fool like me whose drink stains I stare at. Only I am adding to them too so it doesn’t really matter now does it? And it’s the oddest shape. it’s a corner desk, but then busts out with this odd, part triangle, part squared corner making one arm happy while typing and the other jealous. It’s awkward. 

5. My favorite color is pink but there’s no evidence of it in the house. It’s not like you walk in to my place and you see a Peptol Bismol explosion and can figure it out. But, if you open my drawer and see my polos, you’ll notice they dominate my color scheme. And black, I just can’t shake that color!

6. My partner is a woman. Some people can’t handle it and I no longer care. She’s my best friend and the only person I have ever loved. We’ll get married one of these days.

7. I love being alive and can’t believe all that i would’ve missed had I killed myself when I wanted to in 2003 & 2004. Namely: self-publishing my memoir, publishing my 2nd book, falling in love (of course), 2 hurricaines & 3 moves in 3 years but moving into a cute house 2 blocks from my parents.

How could I have missed that? Can you image? I would’ve missed teh best years of my life! Life truly started over. 

And those are my 7 facts.  Nice and concise, eh? Well, I’m a writer. What can I say? Long-winded should’ve made this list for sure!

Okie dokie, back to work. Thanks again. You rock Kitt!