Not feeling it today

Just not in a good way today. I was supposed to fight a parking ticket from a day at the beach, and overslept. Woops. I called to pay it over the phone and they’re gone for the week. Now I have to wait until Monday and will be paranoid all weekend when driving by the police. I know, little ole me, missing court to protest a ticket. But, fact of the matter is I missed court. Even if it was to fight a ticket, I’ve heard them say “bench warrant.”  Nora says “don’t worry, we’ll pay it on Monday.”  Naturally, I’m the one who does worry and will have twinges of paranoia all weekend. Greeeeat. Oh and pay online you think. Yes, that would’ve been done today had we not lost the ticket. I should say we, and would, however these things sit on nora’s desk; yes, in this instance I will blame her. Next time, I’ll hold on to it myself. 

And just like that, I threw her under the bus. (She doesn’t read my blog. In fact, since I’m not feeling anything positive today, let me just say, thank you new followers. Thank you, I love you. But other than you and Dyane and Kitt, I really have just a handful. I should be positive, but I’m used to talking to the air. THEN i think, why do I do this at all.)


Yes: warning. I am deviating from my positive self today. If you wanna be brought down, keep reading. If not, juuuust keeeep mooooving. And have yourself a great day for me okay?


So, last night I couldn’t sleep. I was up watching one of my staples, my favorites, Law and Order. Funny, i used to make fun of my dad watching them. That familiar “Dum Dum” in the beginning was a running joke amongst me and my mom when I was suicidal and living (once again) at their house for a few years. It drove me up a wall.  Now here I am a big fat manifestation of my dad. Besides Law and Order I have also become obsessed with growing grass in the backyard, trimming bushes and growing flowers. I am in charge of the lawn, and Nora, the mini garden (veggies, basil, etc.) that we have in planters because this first year of homeownership is not the year we’re doing a full on garden.

Anyhoo, please don’t mind my digression. I’m actually delaying my other downer and hoping I haven’t lost you yet. Maybe I did at Law and Order. HA!

So my other bad news this morning is the first royalty statement we got from the publisher. UGGGGH. So much for a camping trip. Dreams of a cruise are loooong gone. Sucks. We broke our back to get it done within a very short time (3 months…kind of unheard of actually). We did a lot of pre-release press. And we haven’t stopped through a radio tour they paid for and magazine press we rallied. It’s like the whole thing clunked. And it’s a good book we poured our heart and soul into. I wouldn’t care if it were a heartless piece of work that was substandard. But it’s not! I truly believe in it. I wrote it off and on for a year. Then we put it together and researched for 10-15 hours a day in 5 months, 3 being the 14-15 hour days. We got all the endorsements ourselves and did the majority of editiing ourselves (though they did hire an editor, not many changes were made.)


It just goes to show you it all falls on the public. You could have a publisher or be self-published. You can accomplish virtually all the same goals, but it’s the public buying the book. My first book is selling better than this one.

I’m rather depressed. I know sales will rise, that’s generally what happens with bipolar books, as long as they’re worthy of it, but I cannot tell you how off I was. I wasn’t asking for the moon.

Now I sound like a whiner and I’m really disgusting myself.

I loathe the sounds of my words and tapping of my keys.

When have i been this down?  

And over money?

I don’t think it’s the money, I think it’s what it stands for.

Hell, I’ve gone through months, with my first book, where it made the same amount, or less. Far less. But still, it’s a blow. Not so much to the ego, for I can assure you, I am less an egomaniac than one who lacks confidence.  

What to do?  Hmmm, nothing much but dig in, make more book signings and then I can truly say I did evreything I could.  Right now there are three things in mind that I’ve been chasing through emails that haven’t happened yet.  But other than that I’m truly baffled. It was nearly always in the top 100.

Hmmm…. time to go work on the yard and listen to music.

After that, dig in to next book. I have 104 pages written and maybe another 40-60 pages to type in. (Too hard to tell, it’s a messy pile!)

Thanks for getting to the end. You rock. Thanks for letting me vent. Perhaps I feel better already. The gift of writing, er ah perhaps it’s really called dumping yer shit at times like these.  To friends like you. And I haven’t met a single one of you, yet no one knows me better. Thank you for that. A giant hug of thanks. Go out and have a kick ass day. I’m going to try and turn it around. After all, careers have peaks and valleys. I’ve sure had mine even over the course of my first book.

I’m like a cockroach, it’s hard to kill me. Just try.

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